I am at a crossroads in my life - or as a friend called it today at lunch.. a threshold.
I think I prefer the latter. The dictionary defines threshold as:
1. The place or point of beginning; the outset.
2. The point that must be exceeded to begin producing a given effect or result or to elicit a response
3. A level or point at which something would happen, would cease to happen, or would take effect, become true, etc.
Fortuately and unfortunately I am faced with the reality that I am the only person standing in my own way. Fortunate because at least I know what my obstacle is and unfortunate because I am so wrapped up in my own habits, patterns and well, pardon my french but - shit, that I cannot make out the trees for the forest. I have had to come to terms with some of my "not-so-great' qualities as of late, and in the light of full disclosure, I am going to list them here in the hopes that somehow you may find some insight into what is holding you back.
1. I am financially unconscious. Meaning, that I have done what I have done in my life mostly out of love, duty, service or just to prove to someone that I could do it. For as long as I can remember, I have never operated from a "how much money can we make" mindset. I will throw myself into just about any project that I feel good about without really thinking about the financial gain or non-financial repurcussions. This has shifted in the last year - mainly because I learned a new word: VALUE. Value for my time, value for my services, etc. But, this new area has not come as easily to me as some other things in my life. I am struggling, trying to figure out how to run a business and live from a place of passion that is heart centered.
2. I am sort of a control freak - but hey, I don't really think this is going to change so I will just move onto the next one.
3. I have a hard time picking just one or two directions for my life. I have been swept up for the last few years in working simultaneously on several projects at once, letting myself be pulled in several directions, my eight limbs in several different industries wearing a different hat for every day of the week. While I feel that this has helped me to be flexible and adaptabile in many different situations, this whole concept of being a "jack of all trades and master of none" has lost its glitz and glam. I know there is a happy medium somewhere...
4. I am afraid of really taking something to the next level.
What am I talking about? I am talking about Where is My Guru - yes, I am sitting here with the very solution right in front of me, blogging on my beautiful (and very expensive website) wondering what is it all for? Why am I doing this? Does anyone really care? Is the show making a difference in anyones life? Will we be successful? What is my definition of success? Will my tribe and myself find abundance on this path together? Will we be able to keep up with the ever changing stage of modern media?
While this feels a bit like an incomplete ending to the story - it is just that. The story is not over and I have to put my cards on the table, which includes looking at what is getting in my way so that I know what I am working with. Where is My Guru is here to not only lead you back to you - but to lead me back to me, too. The answers are in me... and maybe also in putting Jai Jagdeesh on repeat as well .
What I can tell you is that I am am fully determined to move through and past these obstacles and will give you a full report once I get to the other side. This "threshold" feels suddenly very important, like it is not really about choosing "this direction or that." It is more about continuing to put one foot in front of the other and recognizing that this part of the path just happens to be steep and I ascend towards the summit of learning these lessons. To be continued...
Currently listening to the album I Am Thine, Artist - Jai Jagdeesh
Seriously - Jai Jagdeesh is doing a pretty damn good job of lifting up these obstacles for me to clearly see - keeping her on repeat... Check out the interview I did with Jai at Sat Nam Fest West this past spring. I am pretty proud that I can now properly pronounce her name (sometimes it is just baby steps...)